I've been in an incredibly nasty mood for the past few days due to an escalation of job burnout and the realization that I won't be going to grad school after all. Things wouldn't have been so bad, if not for the economy, if not for the increasingly toxic work environment, if I did not start burning out at work a year ago and if I did not invest six painful months in the school application process.
Frankly speaking, I don't care about money or titles. I'm a cause-driven person--all I ask for is the opportunity to improve myself professionally so that I will be in a better position to help others. It's the reason for doing what I do.
So aduhai alamak with my organization's ethics going in a southerly direction, I'm at my wit's end. I'm reduced to spiking my morning coffee with a shot of centanario tequila to make the day chug by. I'm snapping at colleagues and friends like nobody's business. Plus I'm ripping my nails and eating more crap at work then ever.
Geithner, if you would only be so kind to give me a bailout plan of my own, I promise to love you long, long time.
But anyway, since Mr Geithner probably has other concerns of his own, I have came out with my own bailout package.
Until May, I promise to:
- Chill out, compartamentalize, take long walks in between work hours, anything to remind myself that my job comes with a visa and salary. Anything!!
- Stop eating crap at work in lieu of a good dinner-- Scarpetta, here I come!
- Give the tequila bottle away. Replace with wine at dinner. Mmm.
- Continue preparing for the slim chance of a grad school interview. As demotivated as I feel right now, I will not, must not, give up
Come May, if shit hits the fan, I will start thinking about my options beyond the US. On my list is the long awaited trek across Latin America or the land route from Europe back to Malaysia. After that, I will work or volunteer with an organization in a developing country that I have never been to before-- I have been dying to do that since my 2004 stint in India. In one year's time, I'll head back to Malaysia-- perhaps I will work with one of the budding social enterprise companies or start a new effort.
But in the mean time, I'd like to talk my favorite things.
One: Fucking Awesome Food (FAF)
Pictures say it all. Little else pisses me off than bad food, nothing delights me more than FAF with equally awesome friends.
And oh, there's no bigger pleasure than waking up late on a gorgeous spring Sunday morning, in anticipation of a long brunch with perfectly poached eggs, freshly brewed coffee and all your friends in various stages of being hung-over after last night's debauchery.
Sheer, absolute happiness occurs when Mr. Choo is there to pick food off my plate and scarf down that juicy piece of hanger steak that I had been saving for last.
Two: Karate
I know that out of the 3 readers who regularly visit this blog, one of you must be sniggering like nobody's business. Jangan ketawa okay, otherwise I'll tell the guy with the red kapchai to join your mamak sessions.
Back in high school, I was (and probably still am) one of the most cacat-ed karatekas. My horse stance looked like a pyramid stance, I was the champion backpedaler during sparring sessions and my creativity at making up new kata movements was unsurpassable.
Taking up karate again in New York turned out to be one of the best investments ever. I might still do a pyramid stance these days, but those classes have helped me vent out my frustration and refocus during the dark days.
And at the end, when my knuckles are bleeding and I can barely scoot down the stairs, it feels good to know that I have pushed myself for one more day.
I can't wait for spring time, when I can start my morning runs again with karate classes at night. My knees are going to scream, but the sad0-machoist in me is rubbing her hands in glee.
Aight...onward and forward!
